Life of the Socially Anxious

Do you ever wonder why I’m always on my phone? That's a coping mechanism for my social anxiety. It distracts me from the eyes that I feel like are always watching me. Don't bother telling me ‘no one's actually watching you’ ; why don't you just tell someone to drink some water to cure their disease?

Do you ever feel like no one likes you no matter how close to them you are? That’s me everyday. That's part of the reason why I get so clingy to those few people who really make me feel included. I'm also clingy because doing most everything without someone literally by my side is like walking through a haunted house all day long. Intimidating, yeah?

I get people who don’t understand what my life is like, so here's a day from my view.

The first obstacle is the bus. The box of judgmental eyes. But even before that is waiting for it. Standing alone on the raised stage-like platform while people drive by laughing about you having to take the bus, while the bus going the opposite direction drives by with everyone laughing because they're already on the bus and you're not.

Next is entering the classroom. Oh, you're the first one here? Better be 110% sure this is the right class. Okay, you're not the first one here. Again, you'd better be 110% this is the right class. Walk into the wrong classroom and it's game over.

That's not even the worst. Just wait for passing period. The Gauntlet, head down, speed walk, don't make eye contact. Oh look, the last class isn't out of the classroom yet. Do you have something to do with your hands? Don't want to look awkward standing there.

Okay, that’s over. Let's go to lunch. You got a friend or two? That's good. Wait… did they invite you? No? Oh. Okay. What are you gonna do then? Wander around aimlessly and hope someone notices you… wait. That would be bad. Maybe a hidden corner of the park. Now, try not to look awkward while you eat.

You made it through lunch. Do you have office hours with a teacher? Ha, funny. How could you? There's no way you could sign up for those. Talking to the teacher? No way! Signing up on the sheet? Might as well just yell it across the classroom. Same amount of attention drawn.

Now that you know you don't have office hours, let's go to class. Is that a paper that needs to be turned in? Too bad. It's too late, there's too many people here already. Walking through a full classroom is like wading through a pool of judgmental sharks. Oh, now you need water? That's gonna have to wait. There's no way you can get to the sign-out sheet. Signing out itself is like the same as just yelling ‘hey look, I'm leaving the room.’ And then there is permanent record of you leaving the room on that sheet for everyone to look at.

Once again we’re back in the hall. It’s last period. Did you get there first? I sure hope you did. Quick pick a seat before someone else gets there. Don't want to get stuck with a seat at the front of the class. Or were you too late? I hope you have someone in that class that knows about your anxiety and saved you a seat. Otherwise it's the walk of shame to a seat you may or may not like. Wait, what if someone else is sitting there? Oh god, they could come back and then what? Can you deal with the embarrassment?

Finally it's the end of the day. Most people like to go to their room to relax, but is it vital? For me if I don't get enough time by myself, I will shut down at some point, maybe even break down. Without resting and recharging going outside will be like stepping into a hell even worse than usual.

This is only part of what people with crippling social anxiety have to go through. Now, I hope you can understand what it's like for people with anxiety a little better.